Things I'm Sick of Seeing on Fetlife's "Kinky & Geeky"

I think it's clear that I'm kinky as hell. It should also be clear (in case it isn't) that I'm a class-A geek on several levels. I read Terry Pratchett and Atomic Robo; I watch Doctor Who and Kamen Rider; I own the entire DC Animated Universe and most of the DC Universe DTV movies on DVD; I play D&D; I collect toys (a lot less these days, but I still do). As it happens, I find that kink munches are an awesome way to meet more geeks, and since they also happen to be kinky, a lot of good friendships are forged based on multiple compatible factors.

Thus, it's no surprise that I'm a member of the Fetlife group "Kinky & Geeky." And sometimes I post on there, and often I read the posts there, and I find a lot of things that amuse me.

Two things that I'm really sick of seeing, though:

* "ZOMG! GEEKY WOMEN EXIST!! AND THEY'RE KINKY, TOO?!?"

Uh, yes. Yes, they do. Dunno about you, but I've managed to meet a never-ending stream of geeky women just by being a geek and doing geeky things I enjoy and talking to the women who also enjoy them. Also: treating those women like human beings who might just agree with me that certain things are awesome. In fact, I meet a lot more cis women than cis men who are into Doctor Who and Discworld.

To indulge in stereotyping for the purpose of a joke: if geeky women don't exist, who do you think is writing all that yaoi fanfiction? Most Fanfic Writers Are Girls, after all.

I realize that these threads are often just cheap tactics for creepy cis men to friend-request people, but there's this attitude behind that astonishment (and that tactic, for that matter) that just burns me.

A friend of mine (a cis female geek, as it happens) once said that I was one of the only guys (as in, single digits here) she'd ever met who looked her in the eye while talking to her. She is not even a particularly close friend of mine. You can say she's exaggerating, but if so, she made that particular exaggeration because on some level, that statement was true to her experience of the world. I cannot help but wonder how many of these guys, so astonished that geeky cis women exist at all, never met any geeky ladies because they were too busy treating women in general like members of another species.

Yeah. There are people other than cis males who enjoy D&D, comic books, Magic, or whatever other random thing. I really don't understand what is surprising about this. And please do something about the gratingly blatant gender essentialism and objectification inherent in this thinking. Thank you, demographic who will probably either never read this or deny what I have said.


* The webcomic Collar 6

OK, this one I probably don't have as much reason to rant about, because it's more about my personal ideals and views and passions regarding the kink scene. But: I HATE Collar 6.

I mean, I get it. It takes place in a fantasy world. However, the fact that it combines fantasy and reality in odd ways while indulging in stereotypes of BDSM...I don't know. I feel like it's fine to have a fantasy series about BDSM, but I don't like this one.

...but mostly I just hate the artwork. It uses that "all skin is shiny!" art thing that I see on a lot of comics, usually with the intent of making the characters look sexy. This shininess is a major pet peeve of mine - I don't understand how it's supposed to be sexy. OK, practically everyone in this comic seems to be wearing latex or leather, so at least there's a reason for it, but I have this deep-rooted association between "shiny anime-style people" and "sleaze."

[POSSIBLE BUSTED THINKING NOTE: I use the word "sleaze" to refer to pornography that is busted in mainstream ways - misogyny, male gaze, objectification, all of these are what I think of when I use the word. I apologize if anybody feels that my pejorative usage of this term demeans their sexual identity - I'm using it in a specific way to describe things that I feel should be less common than they are, and I encourage people to embrace the fluidity of language.]

Finally: this (TW: discussion of nonconsensual mind control that uses abuser's logic). Five women. One build. And if you guessed that that build is massive boobs and an impossibly thin waist, then congratulations, you get a No-Prize! I don't think there are any characters who even have different cup sizes in this comic.

Frankly, my favorite thing about the BDSM community is that I can get the hell away from a wider culture that seems to think that sex and sexuality are only OK for women who fit this mold. (If you want to read an awesome exploration of this subject, check out this blog post, which touches on body image/sexuality intersection eloquently.) I like being in a group where people of all ages, shapes, gender presentations, etc. can stand up and say: "I have a sex life!" There's a reason I don't link Collar 6 on the right-hand side of this blog, and why I instead point you, the reader, toward Nic Buxom: an utterly fantastic comic about BDSM that features a lot of different body types among its characters, both cis male and cis female (along with some discussion about prejudice toward gender presentation and fat).

So, uh, I suppose I should have a "live and let live" attitude toward this comic. There is nothing inherently wrong about it, from what I have seen - and the author has made at least one really admirable gesture in portraying aftercare and addressing the problems with some of the fantasy scenarios. I admit that I hate it mostly for its superficial aspects: its art, its use of generic attractiveness. I guess I'm just annoyed that the most popular webcomic about BDSM is one about a fantasy world and one that sticks to a tried-and-true big boobs/wasp waist model of sexuality and attractiveness. But, I can also at least recognize that Collar 6 has a big advantage over the webcomics I prefer - it updates regularly and doesn't take long hiatuses. I still say that Nic Buxom is a better read (and fully support the author's hiatus - she has a life!); however, where webcomics are concerned, regularity breeds popularity.

(After all, I'm still reading Misfile almost entirely because it updates five times a week on the dot, and it has never pissed me off enough to stop reading.)

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This has been a rant with feminist intentions, which may have busted aspects and judgmental attitudes.